What the World can learn from the Misery of my HSP Husband
written by Eva Hanson
According to Elaine N. Aron, HSP, psychotherapist and author of „The Highly Sensitive Person“ and „The Highly Sensitive Person in Love“, HSPs are „that 15 to 20 percent of the human population born with a nervous system genetically designed to be more sensitive to subtleties, more prone to deep reflection on inner experience, and therefore inevitably more easily overwhelmed by outer events.“ (The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, p.3)
The misery
My husband Henry is an HSP and at a very important point in his life. He is 27 and currently writing his master thesis of his second study program. He has no idea what happens after that and suffers a great deal from this uncertainty. Henry is a very smart and capable man, so getting a job actually shouldn´t be a problem. However, the great depth of his cognitive processing and his high emotional reactivity makes this decision making process hard for him in several aspects.
Finding one´s true purpose
There are two aspects to this one: Firstly, for idealistic reasons, it is not a real option for Henry to do just any job. He wants to spend his time and energy on something that makes him happy and the world a better place. He also knows that dong something he is not convinced of leads him doing a terrible job at accomplishing his tasks. On top of that, HSPs tend to think things thoroughly through, avoid taking risks and want to make sure to make the right decision. It is easy to get stuck though, trying to find out what is really important for you and what you enjoy doing.
Adapting to a system that doesn´t make sense
Henry thinks that capitalism is a failed system in general and he doesn´t want to support it. He also thinks that the principles of capitalism can´t be applied to HSPs, because HSPs are going to do what is right according to their moral values, no matter what the incentive is to do something else. And they are going to do their best anyway, being offered incentives or not.
On top of that, it can be frustrating to the point of total paralysis that the system does not make sense to him. On the contrary, it is rather destructive. There is no overarching principle why and what you get money for, and the uneven distribution of wealth is quite demotivating. As a generalist blessed with numerous soft skills, it is hard for him to find out how he can make a living of his talents and abilities. He has a lot to contribute to this world that our society does not reward, at least not with money.
Existing in an inappropriate environment
Even if he knew what he wants to do, the question would be where and how. If they´re not priests or therapists, there is little value out there on the job market for people with a high sensitivity, who are neither good at physical labour nor in stressful jobs; people who are mostly very accurate, but not always efficient and don´t like to take risks; not to speak about people who have idealistic values and a tender conscience … . The market wants people who don´t question the status quo, who go over their limits without complaining, who are willing to sacrifice their relationships and hobbies. To make it even more difficult, HSPs also often have special needs regarding their actual workplace. Most of them like it comfortable and quiet, and it is important for them to have healthy relationships around them. Space and time for breaks and for thinking are essential as well as security regarding when they will be interupted and what is expected of them.
The hero
Nowadays and in our culture, people like Henry are considered lazy and weak. Once you´ve got your degree, you are supposed to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and go get a job, make a career. Deep thinking about your true purpose and what you can do for the world is considered highly inappropriate in a system that is based on growth, scarcity, fear and competition. Everyone who works hard is supposed to get a piece of the cake, lazy people lose out. HSPs are particularly prone to anxiety to lose out in this system, and pressure makes them perform even worse. It is considerably harder for them to get it together“ and live a life that makes them deeply unhappy.
Undoubtedly, even though many people realize that this system is inhumane, most do bend to fit in because they believe there is no other way to have a safe, successful, accepted life. And as much as they often believe to make the right choices, when I look around me, I see a lot of unhappy people. And that´s why Henry is a hero. He is accepting and enduring his anxiety and self-doubts as well as a very moderate financial situation for many years now because he is not willing and/or able to adapt to the system. Albeit being stigmatized, misunderstood and somehow under pressure, he stays true to his personality, his beliefs and his needs.
The wisdom
What could be more important than personal happiness and making the world a better place? What would be healthier than to pay attention to one´s needs and passions? To create and nourish healthy relationships and spend valuable time with loved ones? To think before acting and to do things slowly and consciously? What would the world look like if more people would make their choices based on their true needs and beliefs? If more would, instead of „only“ theoretically criticizing the system, drop out of it as much as they can and thereby actually actively sabotage it. Henry thinks that many people don't believe that they are talented or have anything to offer other than what the system has rewarded them for. So they accept arbitrariness of the system with the hope that the one thing they believe they can do will continue to be valuable and allow them to maintain their lifestyle. The fear of not having something to offer in a different system drives people to accept the status quo no matter how terrible it is. How about creating a system that is not based on growth, but based on sustaining itself, where no one would „lose out“? A system that takes care of everyone, for example by granting an unconditional income. Everyone would be able to contribute what they have to contribute, even very soft skills like listening, company, physical contact, arts, and so on. I believe HSPs would flourish in a system like that, and would set free an enormous potential that is sadly dormant at the moment.
I wonder where the other HSPs end up? Not everyone is meant to be a priest, healer, guru, or therapist. Are they all working in jobs they hate? Are they in miserable financial situations? In psycho clinics? What niches have they found to flourish and live in line with their personalities?
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