A Needy Child in a Grown-Up's Body

Quite recently I found out that I've a wounded inner child. It's not all about HS, it's more. It's about feeling neglected, misunderstood, unloved.

I walk in circles. I cannot find my path. Everything feels not right. My head is spinning.

Why is my need for free space, time for myself so important to me? Why do I feel hemmed in so often when I don't get space for myself? Why does it feel so heavy to be there for my child?

The answer is: Because I'm needy. I feel overstrained when someone else asks too much, too frequently, too extensively of me. A small child is the perfect example because it is needy. It needs its mom. So if I'm needy, how can I feed a needy child or anyone else that is needy? And why am I needy?

Because I didn't get my needs fulfilled when I was little. So in a way there is even a needy little child inside of me. A needy child in a grown-up body. Needy grown-up children feed needy children. That's the hard reality. How to break the cycle?

How can I be a good parent? Is it possible with a needy child inside of me?

Yes and no. I can understand the needy little child as I know how it feels to need someone desperately. And at the same time it is hard to fill the needs of a needy child if I myself feel empty and need to be filled up. 

With what?

With love, support and understanding.

It is a cycle. Can one break it? Can I break it? Is it possible without leaving my child and abandoning my inner child? I'm trapped. I feel I need time to heal my inner child and at the same time my child needs me so desperately. When I leave her to take care of myself I'm hurting her. When I don't take care of myself, I'm hurting her. Is there a way out?

I try to find a solution. I try to find the right way.

Is it simply too late? Have I made the wrong choices?

No, I don't think so. All relationships we have are there for a reason. No matter how much we dislike or struggle with certain situations or constellations. We are here to learn.

So, how can I grow from this experience? From this "no way out" feeling. What choices do I have that feel right? Is there always a "right" solution for everyone? Can sth that doesn't feel right for someone else still be right for me? Yes, I believe so. One thing I must understand is:

This is my life!

Noone can live it for me, make my choices, feed my baby, care the way I do.

Still, I'm not alone. I have a child. No denial about that. I have to take responsibility. For her and me.

In this constellation there is no I. There is only we. A mother and a child. The tightest bond there can be if we let it be.

She is with me. All the time. Am I with her at all times?

I wish...

She loves me unconditionally. Do I love her the same way?

Too busy? With what?

Thoughts.

My thoughts are killing my time and feelings.

That's sad. Is there any sense in you doing this?

Not sure. What do you mean?

I mean. Does it get you anywhere? The endless thinking.

Sometimes.

What if, instead of killing time and feelings by thinking, spare more time with being in the space you are in right now? Enjoying the time you have with what you have, who you are with and the one you are. Do the things that are possible and not feeling helpless.

Sounds like a plan.

But what if my needs are so different to the ones surrounding me?

Are they really? Think about it.

Everyone around you is needy in some way.

Let's get back to the little child. The baby. It's demanding, isn't it? It's extremely needy. But at the same time it gives back. Unknowingly. We love it even though it takes all of our time. 

Does the happy moments overweigh stresses and strains?

That depends on how much we can enjoy and live in these happy moments to fill up our tanks. It depends on how balanced we are. It also depends on if we succeed to accept the very moment of being. If I fight against a moment that is I have already lost the battle and waste all my energy in sth that is not. It's about living the current moment. Accepting what is. Do not think about yesterday or tomorrow or even worse: Do not think about what COULD or SHOULD be. Just be. Here and now.

Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation I ask myself. Can I do sth about it?

A needy child in a grown-up's body refers in my writing to the wounded inner child by John Bradshaw, which I can relate to very much. As an adult if you carry a wounded inner child with you you can be extremely needy. That can cause a lot of stress in every day life and lead to a very unbalanced life. Many people carry a wounded child inside of them without knowing it. The symptoms can be to feel wrong, needy and expect other's to fill ones neediness, odd assumptions why someone behaves the way he/she does, any addictions or excessive consumption, overacted emotional releases, low self-esteem, a.o..

How to deal with a needy or wounded inner child? Start with acceptance. Accept who you are. Accept to feel the way you feel. Accept to feel anger, pain or joy. Accept to be the child you never were. Just be. Like a child does.

Any further recommendations are happily embraced.

~ Anne ~


I even wrote an article about the wounded inner child in German.
Das verletzte innere Kind